Toxic People Pt. 1

The Holidays are coming up. You know, the ones where you see your entire family, the ones where there may be constant arguing, the ones where you see family members you forgot existed. I, under normal circumstances, adore the holidays. The gathering together part? Not always so much. There's almost always conflict. There's almost always that one person who has a problem with literally everything. That's what we're going to get to today; toxic family members.

There's many kinds of toxicity in families. When it comes to parents, there are the hover parents, the controlling parents, the narcissistic parents, the dependent parents, the abusive parents, the demeaning parents... As you get older, you can start to notice different toxic family members; and it's nowhere near easy to do. You've spent your childhood not realizing there were issues; or, if you did notice there were issues, you were too young to take care of yourself or stop the issues. Your parents jobs are to protect, love, raise, care for you and make you feel safe. So, what happens when a child suddenly is ripped away from all of that. They grow up not knowing that it's okay to show emotion, that they don't need to be so strong, that they can be independent, that they can be successful, that they deserve to be loved, or even not knowing what love feels like. As a child growing up in environments like that, there's an increase of negative situations as they grow up. For me, it was self-injury, smoking and other negative coping skills. I was an angry kid. I put my good parent through so much shit, I can't believe she's still got my back. For other people I know, it was drugs, hanging out with negative people etc. When you're taught by toxic parents that you aren't good enough, you don't matter or anything less than what a parent should be teaching you, it leaves seriously negative affects.

It affects your relationships, education, career and it especially affects your mental health. If you're constantly exposed to toxic parents, or any toxic family member, it can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and other things. The whole reason we're here on this blog is for our mental health. So, let's dive into how we can identify, cope with and set up boundaries for those toxic family members in our life.

Step one; Identify. This step can be fairly difficult. How can you tell if someone is toxic to you? Especially someone who is supposed to be there for you. It's not that simple as just another person telling you they are toxic. People told me for years. You need to realize it yourself to fully know it. Watch how said person interacts with others, watch how they respond to conflict, watch how they respect or disrespect others. When you begin to notice their toxicity to other people, you'll slowly start to recognize it in yourself. Your job as a child is...to be a child! Nothing more. Of course, you need to listen to and respect your parents, but other than that, you need to be a kid. If your parent(s) is putting you into a position where you cannot be a child, where you cannot express yourself, where you cannot reach for the stars and do what you truly want to do (career/goal wise), most likely your in a toxic scenario. Now, obviously, if you're still a minor, you unfortunately cannot just escape the toxicity. Unless, of course, there's extraneous circumstances where you can (i.e. abuse, custody arraignments etc.) That's where coping skills come into play.

Step two; Cope. Once you find out you are in a toxic situation, you gotta figure out how you can cope with it. There are definitely a lot of negative coping skills out there, but you'll have to steer away from those. Those may help in the moment, they did for me. But, they won't help in the long run. Honestly, they'll probably harm you more. It's the good coping skills you'll want to focus on. Self-talk might be the biggest coping skill I used. It's not easy and it takes lots of discipline. You need to be your own best friend. You have to constantly remind yourself that you are good enough, you are worthy of someone's love, you are allowed to feel emotional, you can do whatever you set your mind to, you can be totally successful in this life. Another coping skill I've used is to surround yourself outside of home with wonderful people. The ones who survive on humor, laughter and being kind to others. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and go to the mall, go bowling, go to an arcade or just go on a walk, meet some people. Even if you do it on the internet, be safe about it, but meet pen pals, friends on social media. Use your friends and don't keep your feelings inside. If they're true friends, they'll listen to your issues and respond with kindness, love and respect. They may not always have the best solutions, but they'll be an ear to listen to you or a shoulder to cry on, and you'll need that so much. Eventually, I'll be writing a post focused on tons of coping skills, so I won't go into more here. The next thing I'll be talking about is the key to dealing with toxic family members.

Step three; Boundaries. This is perhaps the most difficult, yet most important, step to handling toxic family members. I'm still working on this. Boundaries are a crucial step in taking care of your own mental health. They can be difficult to set up while you are still a minor. However, once your 18, go crazy with 'em. These include answering/ignoring phone calls, answering/ignoring emails, giving your phone number/email to the toxic party, inviting/not inviting them to gatherings, being in the same place as them etc. The great thing about boundaries is they are completely in your control. You ultimately decide when you have interactions with the toxic party. In my situation, my father would call me constantly, almost 15-20 times a day, he'd start arguments at nearly every family gathering/sporting event he attended, he'd email my constantly, always telling me I needed to be visiting him or helping him etc. This was all once I turned 18; I guess he figured since I wasn't legally bound to visit him, he'd have to make me. For the first few years, I caved. I hadn't yet figured out or had enough courage to put up boundaries. Eventually, I changed my phone number and didn't give it to him. I stopped visiting him. Even that was hard. I always felt like I was doing something wrong by not seeing him since he was my dad. Even though, by not doing those things, I was taking care of myself. I'm just now starting to see how amazing boundaries have been for me. My dad is very slightly starting to become more tolerable and less abusive. Boundaries have helped me tremendously. I feel like it's slightly difficult to elaborate on boundaries, however, if you feel like you need more guidance on the topic please feel free to reach out to me.

When you're a child, you need guidance, love, respect, care and nurturing. Unfortunately, not every child gets that. If you're reading this and haven't gotten that, I am so sorry. I understand what you're going through. That's why I've written this. Honestly, it's been pretty difficult for me to write; I've had to take several breaks, but if this helps anyone, it was worth it. Even just a little bit. Please, if you need anything, anytime, reach out. Stay strong, put up those boundaries around yourself.

Love, Aylin

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National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1- 800-799-7233

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255); www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Suicide Prevention, Awareness, and Support: www.suicide.org

Lifeline Crisis Chat: https://www.contact-usa.org/chat.html

Crisis Text Line: Text REASON to 741741 (free, confidential and 24/7)

Self-Harm Hotline: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)

Family Violence Helpline: 1-800-996-6228

Planned Parenthood Hotline: 1-800-230-PLAN (7526)

National Council on Alcoholism & Drug Dependency: 1-800-622-2255

The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 678678. Standard text messaging rates apply. Available 24/7/365. (Provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning—LGBTQ—young people under 25.)

Veterans Crisis Line: https://www.veteranscrisisline.net

(The above resources are obtained from https://www.psycom.net/get-help-mental-health)