But First, A Little Background...

So, yesterday was Mental Health Day. I figured my first post should relate to that a bit. Here we go.

Let me tell you a bit about myself. I've chosen to keep this blog anonymous; it's better that way. You know, in case family gets a look at this, in case work gets a look at this, in case... Sorry, that's the anxiety and compulsive thoughts talking. Anyway, my name is (pen name, of course) Aylin. I'm a bit obsessed with space, and one meaning of the name Aylin is "moon halo." It's such a pretty name. I am in my mid-twenties. For anonymity, I'm keeping my career hidden. However, it involves helping others, broadly speaking. I've had a passion for that ever since I was knee-high.

This blog is up for a couple reasons. I'd like to share my story. I'd like a way for me to work on expressing myself. Most importantly, I want, no need, people to know they are not alone. This mental health thing is such an important thing. However, it's not discussed nearly enough. It's not accepted enough. I think people are, in some ways, afraid of it. Afraid of us. Afraid of me.

I have been diagnosed with an abundance of things. Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Chronic Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, ADHD... An average day for me consists of a lot. A lot of worrying. A lot of dreading. A lot of perseveration. A lot of over-analyzing situations. A lot of sensory overload. A lot of "what if's." Are my clothes in the right spots in my closet? If I get into a car wreck, which I will, how will people know who to call? Did I get everything on my ten checklists done today? What if, what if, what if...

Even as I'm typing this. Shit, dad's called me seven times in the past couple days...I haven't called back. I'm always fearing the worst, even when I know that's ridiculous. Talking to friends? Ha, barely have any. I've never really had friends, been shit at making and keeping them. That's okay, though. Sometimes it's better when there's not crowds of people around. It's too much sometimes.

I'm gonna take you back a bit. My childhood. Wow. My childhood. I deserved a dad. I got an adult child, who has had other children previous to me and my brother. You'd figure he would've caught on by now. I grew up quicker than a snowman melting in summer. No tears. No sadness. No fears. No Santa Clause. It's hard to remember happy things happening. He'd use my fears against me. He'd threaten, manipulate, lie, betray...He was not a dad. He was a bully. He's gotten better. We talk now. No apologies, totally and forever in denial. But, I'm learning to accept that. And mom? I haven't mentioned her yet. That's because I'm making a separate post for her following this one. She's amazing.

My parents divorced when I was still in the single digits. It was great. Except, joint custody. Anyway, instead of rambling on about dad, I'm about 12 now. I started self-injuring. Now, I'm 15, inpatient at a hospital where the nurses were so amazing and a friend from high school was also there, so I wasn't so alone. I didn't want to be alive and I was still self-injuring. That was the worst of it, at least physically. After the hospital, my therapist, who I'd been seeing since I was seven, was taken away from me. It took me twelve more years to finally find another therapist I'm comfortable with.

I've been in countless abusive relationships. Why in the hell do we subconsciously seek out what we feared most as a child? I've struggled to take care of a sibling (who I love and adore with all my soul) and be a kiddo at the same time. I've become so used to not being able to share feelings. I've become so used to the fact that I'm going to be like this forever. I'll forever be terrified of loud noises because of dad's screaming. I'll forever be terrified of car accidents because of not being allowed to feel terrified before. I'll forever be working on boundary setting. I'll forever be learning to communicate with others.

But, you know what else I've learned? IT DOES GET BETTER.

I hated hearing that. I hated it so much. It seriously was the worst. How in the hell is this supposed to get better? It is so dark out.

I'm constantly living with worry and anxiety, among other things. But, I make it work. I have an incredible S.O. who is there for me 100% of the time. I'm not completely comfortable talking, but I know he's there when I am ready. When the anxiety gets too high, I put in some essential oils in my diffuser. I watch a bit of whatever show I'm binging on Netflix. I snuggle up in this amazing sheepskin blanket. When the sensory overload starts, I put in my earplugs. I pull up my hood over my head. I squeeze some fidget balls. When the OCD kicks in, I move my to-do lists out of sight, I close my closet door, I distract myself with music. When my worries get to be too much, I tell myself to shut up. Seriously. I yell "shut up" at myself at times.

All my life I've had this need to help others. I need others to know they're not alone. I won't say it's part of God's plan, because not everyone believes in Him. I won't say there's a reason for all of this. I won't say it's going to get better tomorrow. All I'll say is that I'm here. My blog is here. My contact info is here. My thoughts are here. Even if you don't reach out, know that I'm thinking of you and am here if you ever need a friend. It's dark out right now, I completely understand. But, hang on. Hang tight. It seriously, honestly, gets better.

Love, Aylin

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National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1- 800-799-7233

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255); www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Suicide Prevention, Awareness, and Support: www.suicide.org

Lifeline Crisis Chat: https://www.contact-usa.org/chat.html

Crisis Text Line: Text REASON to 741741 (free, confidential and 24/7)

Self-Harm Hotline: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)

Family Violence Helpline: 1-800-996-6228

Planned Parenthood Hotline: 1-800-230-PLAN (7526)

National Council on Alcoholism & Drug Dependency: 1-800-622-2255

The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 678678. Standard text messaging rates apply. Available 24/7/365. (Provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning—LGBTQ—young people under 25.)

Veterans Crisis Line: https://www.veteranscrisisline.net

(The above resources are obtained from https://www.psycom.net/get-help-mental-health )