Fifty days ago, for the first time in my life, I was able to set a boundary with my father. I've tried before, don't get me wrong, but I've never been successful up until recently.
I was at my nephew's birthday party. The night ended with my older brother throwing dad out of the house, myself having several major panic attacks, and with the burst of adrenaline, setting the biggest boundary of my life.
Most of what happened is a blur. It was fairly traumatic, to say the least. My PTSD snuck up on me and took me back to an eerily similar event that happened when I was a kid. Pretty much the same thing, just years later. Dad was yelling at my big brother. He was saying terrible things, just like before. Screaming at the top of his lungs, ruining my nephew's party. My five-year-old nephew was in the basement, fully aware of what was happening, saying that "Grandpa needs a time out because he's saying bad words to Daddy."
Coming down from the biggest panic attack of the night, I heard Dad yelling at me out at his car. He was supposed to be staying at my house that night. I was supposed to be driving with him in his car to my house. He was trying to take me from my safe space with my family and, as soon as we got in his car, World War 3 would've started. That car ride would've been more hell. I couldn't. I told him no.
Immediately, he started apologizing and promising he wouldn't talk about anything that just happened. He said he wasn't angry at me and he wouldn't talk about the fight anymore. He's done this before. It's never been successful. He has never actually been sorry. I stood my ground. My brother was watching from a distance. I felt safe. I felt strong. I felt like for the first time in my life, I could stand up for myself. I've been able to stand up for everyone else but me. Not today. I told him no. Again and again. My home is my safe space. He wasn't allowed there. Not after everything that just happened.
I continued telling him no and I walked away. I immediately regretted it. He's my dad. He shouldn't drive for three hours home at night time. I wanted to go back outside and get in his car despite everything. But I didn't.
It was the first time in my life that I felt like I had control. It was a rush. I came inside my brother's house and immediately cried. I didn't give in. That first fight, the one the PTSD brought me back to. My older brother told me to never give in. And I was able to finally say that I didn't.
I know that was a lot of rambling, but it was important. It's important for you guys to know that boundary setting is possible, no matter how impossible it feels. And it was important for me to write about it. I really haven't had a chance to process any of it.
My whole life has been about him. When he's sick or hurt, I drop everything. When he needs help, I drop everything. I've never known anything different. He's my dad. I owe it to him to take care of him as he gets older, right? I owe it to him, that despite everything he's done to me, I still care for him.
Yet, my irrational brain doesn't understand that this man is the reason I almost ended my life. This man is the reason I wasn't able to be a child. This man is the reason I can't trust people. This man is the reason I was Santa Clause for my baby brother. This man is the reason I grew up so fast. This man is the reason I've been in therapy since I was six years old. This man is the reason I have nightmares and PTSD. I NEED to put boundaries up. And I finally DID.
I want you to have your moment too. I want you to realize that you ARE strong enough to put up those boundaries. I want you to understand how crucial those boundaries are for your mental health. I want you to know that you CAN set those boundaries. You CAN and you WILL.
I am here to help! Please, let me know if you need any support!
For now,
Stay strong and love yourself!
Love,
Aylin
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1- 800-799-7233
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255); www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Suicide Prevention, Awareness, and Support: www.suicide.org
Lifeline Crisis Chat: https://www.contact-usa.org/chat.html
Crisis Text Line: Text REASON to 741741 (free, confidential and 24/7)
Self-Harm Hotline: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)
Family Violence Helpline: 1-800-996-6228
Planned Parenthood Hotline: 1-800-230-PLAN (7526)
National Council on Alcoholism & Drug Dependency: 1-800-622-2255
The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 678678. Standard text messaging rates apply. Available 24/7/365. (Provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning—LGBTQ—young people under 25.)
Veterans Crisis Line: https://www.veteranscrisisline.net
(The above resources are obtained from https://www.psycom.net/get-help-mental-health )
Dear Precious Aylin;
What an AMAZING woman you are! Your story is one of incredible courage, and resilience. Being unwilling to forsake the instinct to protect yourself, while acknowledging the needs of your inner child and providing for them is so vital to our emotional survival. It doesn't always seem to be the "right way" at the time, but it is truly the ONLY way.
Your story celebrates your strength in setting those indispensable limits, but within your words is also evidence of the greater strength you now possess. The strength of MERCY. The willingness and capacity to acknowledge the brokenness of a man who is unable to provide for you. Mercy is most rare these days, but i…